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How to Flirt With Anyone

by Becoming a Person

Flirting comes down to two things: genuine communication and physical escalation.

Flirting is really just the act of building sexual tension. This involves communicating and connecting in a genuine way and escalating physically. Flirting does not need to lead to any sexual act and can be enjoyable in of itself.

Being genuine and sharing who you are is a critical part of forming any relationship whether it is sexual or not. Physical contact and touching are essential for escalating and arousing interest in a potential partner.

I have struggled with meeting people, getting dates, and especially flirting in the past. It was something that did not come naturally to me. I had severe social anxiety throughout high school and most of college.

However, through years of working on myself and my lifestyle, I am comfortable flirting with almost anyone who is receptive. I can go to the bar on a Friday night with a friend and approach women with confidence. I can go on dates with confidence. I can ask someone out or show sexual interest with confidence.

Flirting is not some formula or set of steps that you can learn and repeat over and over. At its core it involves being able to create a connection with someone and then physically escalate to something more. Whether that be a date, getting a number, or a one night-stand.

While escalating is an essential part of flirting, most often a flirtatious encounter will never progress past light flirting and this is ok.

Personally, I’ve found that the best relationships and connections happen without having any specific outcome in mind. Yes, hooking up with someone would be a great ending to a night out, but I do not want my expectations to be set on that. Relationships are so various and fluid that you are doing yourself a disservice by being open to only one outcome. You could meet a potential business partner or artist to collaborate with. You could be introduced to a whole new friend group. My point is not to be singularly focused even if things become flirty.

It usually is much better to simply focus on meeting and enjoying the company of the people you meet. Anything else is just extra fun.

Keep in mind that some people enjoying flirting in of itself. They may have no intentions to escalate flirty behavior to a date or sex. This is ok. They do not owe you anything. And as long as they aren’t deliberately stringing you along, there is nothing wrong with some casual flirting.

I will go over these two main aspects of flirting in more detail separately, but please understand that these aspects happen concurrently. You do not have a conversation and then start touching her. You can lightly touch her arm while you two share a laugh.

Or you can playfully pick-up her hand after she mentions she had her nails done today.

So let’s get started:

Communication

Asking Questions

Unless this is a club or explicitly sexual situation, you need to relate on more than a physical level.

You will need to have a conversation and get to know about each other. You will need to share a laugh. You will need to ask questions about the other person.

Questions are the driving force of any conversation. It shows interest in the other person and in turn allows you to share about yourself. Questions can also be a great way to steer the conversation towards a topic you’re familiar with or want to talk about.

Additionally, when you first meet someone you will need to ask questions to get a basic idea of who they are. This is normal and good.

People love talking about themselves and enjoy it when another person is curious about them,

So what do you ask about?

Well it depends. Beyond their name, some simple questions to start with might include any of the following:

What do you do for a living?

What type of music do you like?

Why did you move to [insert city name here]?

What have you done in the city so far?

Do you have any hobbies?

These are some simple and broad questions to start with. You can ask these to almost anybody.

The trick from here is to go deeper and more specific while also sharing information about yourself. By going into more detailed questions, you can begin to find what the person really enjoys and what she really connects with.

Sharing About Yourself

You should also be sharing about yourself between questions. And I don’t mean tell her your birthyear and your hometown. I mean tell her something imbibed with feeling.

Tell her how lucky you feel to be a 90’s kid because of all the unmatched animation you grew up with and your home-town has such a magical feel in the Fall.

Don’t overdo it and come across as insincere, but try to incorporate some genuine emotion and feeling into the conversation. You want to share about yourself so you two can connect on an emotional level.

Talk about something you love or something that recently inspired you. Talk about something that motivates you to work harder or a movie you’re hopelessly nostalgic about.

When you share about yourself, share something that is unique or emotional for you. This requires a bit of vulnerability, but it is these rough edges and intimate moments that allow us to connect with one another.

Try to find out the same for her. What makes her feel something?

Sharing these aspects of yourself doesn’t come easily for many people, but it is critical to do if you want to make a connection and flirt well.

Don’t share too much about yourself at once and of course, don’t ask extremely personal questions right off the bat. There needs to be some natural build-up.

Start off small with “What’s your favorite TV show?” and work your way to “What is your favorite thing about yourself?”.

If you want some additional help, I personally listened to The Art of Charm podcast to help me understand how to connect with people better.

These guys put out quality content.

Physicality

While you are having a conversation, you should make some light physical contact.

This allows the other person to get more comfortable gradually with becoming physical, it can also show romantic interest, and it can help build sexual tension. Tactful physical contact is also a great social skill to have for friendships and other relationships as well.

There is a lot that can be communicated with touch.

The only difference between flirting physical contact and friendly physical contact is that flirting physical contact is more frequent and progresses to more intimate areas of the body.

The order in which to touch her is generally as follows:

  • Her arm
  • Her hand
  • Her leg
  • Her torso
  • Her neck
  • Anywhere else

This is a general guide based on how intimate the body part is. I usually start by touching someone of the arm near the shoulder with the back of my hand or back of my fingers. I touch them here when we share a laugh. This is usually the lowest level of physical contact and I do this with friends as well.

You should only move past touching the arm to hands or legs if she is responsive and reciprocating. This means she showing a cluster of positive body language. This could mean she is smiling or she is touching you back.

I typically will move in for a kiss after touching the arm, hands, and leg a few times. This is important because a kiss sends no mixed signals about you intent and escalates the encounter. Once the kissing threshold is passed, almost all other physical contact is welcome.

Just remember to go one step and a time and not to rush this. You want to keep the other person comfortable and to feel comfortable yourself. Keep it casual the entire way through. Nothing is too serious and she will feel more relaxed and able to be herself.

Also, remember that this is happening naturally during your conversation and sometimes can happen over the course of two or three dates. It depends from person to person and with how comfortable they are escalating.

Of course, in a night club this all might happen in an hour.

Remember to just have fun and share a laugh. If she isn’t reciprocating or receptive then stop touching her and leave her alone. There are plenty of people to meet and her not being interested is ok. Maybe she is having a bad day, has a boyfriend, or simply isn’t attracted to you.

It has nothing to do with your worth as a person.

Signs That She is Receptive and You Can Escalate

When should you continue to escalate and when should you stop?

Often you will need to read her body language. Some women are confident enough to verbally ask you to stop, but many women are shy or don’t want to directly reject someone. If she is avoiding too much eye contact, not touching you, and not laughing then you should stop touching her and acting flirtatious.

She needs to show encouraging body language or express verbal interest. If you can read body language, then you can avoid a direct rejection 9 times out of 10. This is because she will often only verbally reject you as a last resort or if she is directly propositioned.

If she is making lots of eye contact and laughing often then she is likely receptive.

If she reciprocates touch by also touching you on your arm then she is likely receptive.

If she has open body language and is touching her hair as she speaks then she is likely receptive.

If she keeps the conversation going by asking questions then she is likely receptive.

Notice the word “likely” in these cases. This is because any individual sign could be misinterpreted as attraction or flirtatious behavior. Really what you are looking for is a cluster of actions after you have clearly shown flirtatious or sexual intent. This cluster of actions is indicative of attraction or receptiveness to flirting.

Some women are naturally touchy and touch almost everyone they talk to. This is not a sign of attraction or flirting.

Some women are very kind and ask a lot of questions because they want you to feel engaged in the conversation. This is not a sign of attraction or receptiveness. This is especially true if her job requires this sort of pleasant conversation such as a bartender or a salesclerk.

It may seem that there is no definite way to identify flirting and receptiveness, but a strong cluster of these encouraging behaviors is very likely flirting. Additionally, if you are making your flirtatious intent clear then you will be able to definitely identify her receptiveness.

If you smile and tell her she is the prettiest girl in the bar while touching her shoulder, she isn’t going to think you just want to be friends. Her response will show her receptiveness to your clear advance and flirty behavior.

If you ask a woman at a coffee shop what she is reading, she likely won’t interpret this as flirty and will answer normally. In this case you cannot be certain her body language is receptive.

Your flirting behavior should be clear in intent and then receptive signs can be definitely identified. If there is any intent to escalate the flirty behavior, then there shouldn’t be too much ambiguity as to obscure your intent.

Signs That You Should Leave Her Alone

So there are signs that she is receptive. What about signs to leave her alone?

Well these are really just the absence of the positive signs of receptiveness. If she isn’t laughing and is looking around the room then you should definitely move on.

If she is answering with few words and not trying to keep the conversation going then she isn’t interested.

Sometimes a woman will be more direct and verbally ask you to leave or will turn away from you. This is the type of rejection that many men are afraid of, but really should not worry about.

First of all, this rarely actually happens. Most women and people in general prefer to reject someone indirectly. No one wants to be mean.

Secondly, if someone is this rude then it is more a reflection of themselves than it is you. Unwarranted coarseness or rude behavior often comes from people who have self-esteem issues or struggle with their own personal boundaries. It isn’t about you.

However, occasionally direct rejection or rudeness is warranted for people who can’t take no for an answer. Don’t be the guy who can’t read her body language and can’t take a hint.

Conclusion

There is a lot to digest in this post, but it can be summed up pretty quickly.

Flirting is really just the act of building sexual tension. This involves communicating and connecting in a genuine way and escalating physically. Flirting does not need to lead to any sexual act and can be enjoyable in of itself.

You should never pretend to be someone you’re not and put on an act to get laid. Some men teach this and do have sex, but it’s superficial and often takes advantage of women’s insecurities to build sexual tension. Negging is a good example of this.

This obviously does not lead to genuine relationships and I think it is morally reprehensible. You are putting on an act and often are playing with someone’s emotions to try to get them to have sex with you. Any confident woman or person would not fall for that act.

The woman needs to be receptive as you physically escalate. If you are clearly showing romantic intent and she is still showing a cluster or receptive behaviors, then this is a positive sign. For example, this could be her laughing often, smiling with eye contact, and touching her hair.

If she is not showing any receptive behaviors, then she is likely not interested and you should leave or stop acting in a flirtatious way.  Direct verbal rejection does not happen often. She will likely show her rejection through body language first or even just excuse herself to talk to a friend.

Rejection is not something that you should take personally. Everyone gets rejected, even handsome, wealthy, and generally desirable men. There are so many reasons that she might not be interested and often these reasons have nothing to do with you personally. Maybe she needs to wake up early in the morning and does not want to get caught up with anyone tonight.

Also, rejection is actually somewhat freeing. After approaching a few pretty women in the bar during a night out, you really gain a sense of independence of outcome and can just have fun meeting people who you find attractive. It’s a wonderful point of maturity that allows full expression of the sexual aspects of yourself.

So that is about it. Do not focus on any specific “correct” behaviors. Being comfortable comes with practice. If you are friendly mixed with some physicality, then you will do great. Honestly talking to women just like you would a friend is the perfect way to start the conversation. She is just a normal person and she might be as nervous as you are.

Have fun and look out for some more articles from Becoming a Person soon.

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